Sample Essay Coaching #2

This student's essay came to me with many of these thoughts, but it was a bit jumbled and not as vivid about himself and his traits. I suggested he make changes so that the reader could "see" more of him. This is the result:

Choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

     The first day I volunteered at Newton-Wellesley Hospital, I was unsure of what to expect and what tasks would be acceptable for me to undertake. Except for one three-hour training session, I had no experience in a hospital. My job as a volunteer was to assist nurses with some of their simple tasks, and to talk to patients and keep them company. That first day, I was anxious, uncertain of how I could strike up a conversation with someone fifty years older than me whom I had never met before. The patient that was in the room I was assigned to, a man around the age of sixty, was watching SportsCenter, my favorite television show. Almost instantly, we started conversing about the recent developments in sports, as well as about sports history. In a short ten-minute conversation, I learned more about baseball history than I could have by poring over my Baseball Encyclopedia book for hours. Not only was I enthused to be talking to the patient, but also the patient welcomed my willingness to engage in a conversation. I realized that most patients just need someone to talk to, helping them connect with the outside world, and taking their minds off the hospital. I learned that volunteers need not be highly skilled to accomplish this; we just need to be present and compassionate.

     This experience taught me to be open when approaching new situations. Even when I am out of my comfort zone, I should be willing to confront challenges head on. I initially chose to volunteer at a hospital because I wanted to help those who needed companionship. While I did help others, I benefited just as much, if not more. I am confident that giving back to others is the most rewarding experience someone can have.